Sad blonde.

At times, I despise the freedom and the necessity of failure. Today, I wish I could make better decisions FOR people or convince someone to make better decisions. But alas, I am 100% sure that people learn best by experiencing life for themselves no matter the consequence.

I'm watching a movie.

Me and my favorite female counterpart are taking on the IMDB top 250. It's going a lil slower than anticipated, but it's a fun project.

Things we've seen together:

-The Graduate
-Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.
-Some Like it Hot
-A Dog Day Afternoon...

Shit, I think there were a few more, but The Graduate was my favorite. Such a beautifully made movie, and it's hilariously dark. And add a splash of existential crises and you have yourself one of the greatest films ever.

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There's a blind veteran in one of our housing programs who has such an incredible, light spirit, that you can feel this residual goodness all over your body after talking to him. My coworker told me that he called her and he asked her to call back because he was watching a movie. This struck me as not only humorous but very cute and very "him."

Last week we had a volunteer event where folks from Whole Foods were helping us set up garden boxes for the residents (the ones that were set up before have been a HUGE hit and they're growing a lot of good stuff). Mr. Blindman (is he Jewish?) polks out of his apt, pole first, and hears the action.

"Hey guys! Can I show you something?"

He reaches back into this dark void... I guess it makes sense that blind guys don't need lights on, and takes out a small framed picture.

"I made this! Not bad for a blind guy."

It was a beautiful painting of a flower. This mother fucker made a painting so beautiful that I immediately dismissed any idea that I will ever paint.

Fuck that guy.

Is that proscuitto?

Virus free mother fucker. Well, it's gone from my throat at least. Other viruses I'm not so sure about. I only say this because I'm having more and more awesome unprotected sex. It's awesome only that it feels good, but it's such a dumb practice especially if you're adding multiple partners into the equation.

Speaking of other things viral... the consumerist bug is hitting me hard this week. But to be fair to myself, and alleviate some guilt, I am buying a few things because some of my stuff is breaking.

The big two: new laptop, and new phone. The laptop I don't feel too guilty about because this thing is over 10 years old and is starting to act stupid. I'm one of 4 people in the world that still burns cds, therefore a busted cd drive is a big deal to me.

The phone keeps shutting off on me which is very annoying especially if I'm trying to navigate my hits of risky unprotected sex. Phone, why are you cockblocking?

negative

That's what the Doctor told me a few days ago and the nurse who called me a few hours ago. Normally "negative" is a joyous word that replenishes hope and potential rather than make you instantly depressed. HIV test = negative = you feeling like you've won the fucking lottery.
Pregnancy test = negative = you feeling like you've won the fucking lottery, but in a literal sense because of how much money you save in a period of time.

My negative results = your strep throat isn't bacterial, it's viral so you're gonna have to wait this one out. ERGG

There's a certain interesting delirium that comes with the onset exhaustion illnesses like these. Out of nowhere my muscles are sore and I can nod off whenever. I also have wicked mucuous that's thick and brown.

I'm gonna go read now.

Case plan

So I feel like doing a case plan for myself. I'll think of 3 things to accomplish a month and I will report to myself... or this blog and share the results.

And of course, I want to keep writing in this blog more but maybe gear it towards doing a "joke" a day or funny story a day.

Another one would be to read a random chapter from a random book a day. Not the most orthodox way of reading, but maybe i'll learn something, you know?

And get into a running routine, blah blah. That one's kinda boring as everyone has that "i need to exercise more" shtick. How is it that we've become so efficient and productive yet we have such less time now a days? In an evolutionary perspective, exercise involved running away from sabretooh tigers and chasing hot cave girls with hot cave boobies all day, I'd imagine. They didn't need to schedule it out on their cave calendars... or maybe they did.

That makes me wonder how stephen hawkins exercises. Does he need to exercise? Someone has to look that up.
Holy fuck, if Stephen Hawkins had an exercise routine, he could totally sell that in a book and become a billionaire.

"So I can sit in a wheelchair and put straws in my mouth and have a computer all day and be fit?"

"Well you wouldn't be fit per say, but your muscles wouldn't atrophy and you'd have better circ..."

"Sorry, I'm working out now (rolls away)"

Well I guess that's my joke or story for today. Shit, this might be harder than I thought.

dead skin on my heels

My my my I have neglected you. I apologize to my favorite computerized, white blank text wall of bleeps and bloops.

Well things have been good. Work is going really well. I'm helping out a bunch of folks. I am hanging out with a lot of people.

And yes, I am going on dates that are still going well. I am starting to narrow down to two girls. Well, maybe one girl. The other girl I sporadically negated, we'll call her Kit Kat, she started feeling weird about me dating other people and we promptly had a "talk." This was on our 3rd date mind you. In a sense, I am flattered that she takes to me and wants me all to herself, but I'm also perplexed as to how she would think I would be exclusive to her after only meeting for a few days.

The other girl...we'll call, "mo," I'm really digging. She's a few years older and she seems to have a good heart. We took to each other as we've been sharing intimate stories of our past and having fun in the meantime. She's confident, has a bunch of friends, and seems to really enjoy life. She's pretty cute too. We ate some yummy tacos last night and I can't wait to hang out with her again. But of course in typical cliff fashion (which I am trying to change), I start thinking, "I wonder if we actually have chemistry" or "I wonder if she actually likes me" and the big whopper "What do I even have to offer?" I fucking hate this shit. It becomes this circular, self-hating, snake eating its own tail style of self-sabotage.

On another note, I've been to a few stand-up comedy nights in Austin and they've been pretty funny. My favorite joke so far:

"So I've been watching a lot of history channel lately. That 'Gang Land' show is pretty addictive. Although I have noticed that the History Channel gets strangely racist. Have you noticed everytime a black person talks, there's always subtitles? I can understand this guy pretty clearly... I mean he's speaking English. Are the History channel producers watching this and thinking, 'Well, no one's going to understand this guy."

Haha... touche brother man, touche.

I'll leave you on this pun.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

She just couldn't control her pupils. BA DUM CHHHHH

better

This has been a very good week in terms of just focusing on my "stuff" and there has been a string of great dates.

I'm back in counseling now (as a client) and I'm learning a lot and ultimately realizing how hard I am on myself. Not that this pattern will cease to exist, because I think being hard on myself makes me strive for more. But I think I'll be more aware when being hard on myself becomes toxic and unhealthy.

I'm going to a dragon boat festival tomorrow and I hope to see a lot of Asians and colorful boats on Lady Bird Lake.